Monday, July 13, 2009

Tips to Survive the All-Star Break

It's halftime everybody, and as much as I would love to get psyched up by Gene Hackman and get all motivated and such, I need a break!

Of course I'm not that stupid, baseball doesn't have halftimes, but it does have periods an all star break. The Major League baseball season is grueling, and not just for the players but for the fans. Sure the catchers are going home to ice their knees for a few days, the pitchers to ice their arms, and the Bill Halls to ice their egos, but I too need a reprieve.

The Brewers like to mess with my emotions. Their consistent ability to be inconsistent is maddening. Rarely did they put both pitching and batting together in the first half. The bats seemed to be either in a slug fest, or the pitchers were dueling. I'm a graying 26 year old now thanks to the Brewers.

A break will be good and much needed. But, what are you to do with your time? Here are some tips:

Catch up on your DVR'd shows: Yes, the season finale's have come and gone, but you've had your TV permanently set to FSN Wisconsin and missed them all. Enjoy! (hint, if you recorded "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here", just go ahead and delete)

Clean Your Grill: I mean, as tempting as that charred piece of chicken looks that has been there since opening day...umm yeah, just clean that.

Record the Home Run Derby: If you want to watch the Derby, do yourself a favor and record it. 30 minutes of sluggers hitting long balls wrapped up in about a 4 hour advertising bonanza. Unless you want the urge to eat Taco Bell every 2 minutes, just record it.

Call your mom: I'm sure she'd love to hear from you, its been since, what, Christmas? You can't be faulted for getting caught up in the winter meetings, spring training, and the regular season! I mean it is understandable that when Mother's Day comes all you can think about is when Bill Hall did something good.

Shave: Unless you are Dave Bush, you should probably shave. Consider it a fresh new start for the 2nd half. For the lady viewers...gross, get in the bathroom now!

Wear Non-Brewers Clothing: I'm sure you have something else you can put on, maybe a nice dress shirt even. Gain some respect with your co-workers and it for just a couple of days.

Take your significant other out: This will work best after completing the above 2 steps (especially women on the shave step...seriously, don't let that get out of hand again). Remind that special someone how much you care for them. They'll know you really mean it too if you don't mention anything about Roy Halladay trade rumors. While you're out, trade that Miller Lite for a glass of will look all fancy pants and whatnot.

Make a different meal: Brats are the best, grilled chicken is good, burgers are great....but seriously, make something different for yourself. While you might not like to think so, the 4 basic food groups are not: Brats/Beer/Cheese/ fight off scurvy and grab yourself some fruit.

Toss a Football: I know it doesn't fit in your glove as well, but your arm is going to have to be in shape come Fall.

Work on your tan: Ok, we know you love that baseball jersey, but all those hours in the Miller Park parking lot tailgating has left you with a rather unusual tan line.

Wash said baseball jersey: We get it, you have a 6-2 record on games you've visited this year and you are the superstitious type that doesn't want to 'ruin a good thing', but you are starting to look ridiculous. Beer stains are one thing, but nacho cheese from your cheese fries you spilled have been covering the 'B' on the front since May, and that patch of Secret Stadium Sauce you dropped on yourself while cheering for that walk off win on opening day, is not as friendly of a reminder to those with you, as it is to yourself. And, I am hoping that green stuff came from some Cactus League Nachos!

Mow the lawn: Ever since your portable radio broke, you've put off mowing the lawn because if you couldn't listen to Uecker, then you obviously had to listen to BA and Rock on TV. The result has caused you three citations for unsightly appearance, a lost dog, and probably 2 or 3 missing children.

Catch up on the news: Wait, Michael Jackson is dead? Iran's elections are apparently rigged? GM went bankrupt? Why is Conan O'Brien on at 10:30? What's up North Korea's @$$? Brett Favre is going to be a Viking....what a F#&%HEAD!!!


Just relax: Don't worry about the poor finish to the 1st half, it is after all a long season. Take a step back from it all and enjoy. The second half is going to be exciting. The Brewers have a soft August followed up by a playoff race deciding September. That is where the excitement will lie! If you watch the All-Star game, obviously cheer for the NL, but don't get too worked up. It's not like the All-Star Game means anything............wait....

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