Monday, July 27, 2009

Hardy traded for 1969 Camaro

Breaking news in the Baseball trade market, the Milwaukee Brewers have traded shortstop J.J. Hardy for a 1969 Chevy Camaro. "I'm totally pumped" says GM Doug Melvin. Melvin said he wanted to "improve team speed," he also looked into purchasing a segway for the slow footed Hardy so he could get down the line quicker, but league rules wouldn't allow it.

"I thought we would be lucky to get a short bus for J.J.," said First Baseman Prince Fielder between bites of salad, "When Doug said we'd be getting a Camaro, I was like hell yea!"

"I was hoping for a Toyota Scion" said Leftfielder Ryan Braun. He went on to explain that he thought his t-shirt designs would look good on a Scion. "It would just be so radical," said Braun, while holding one of his RB8 bats.

Hardy was informed of the trade by Melvin pulling up in front of his house at midnight in the newly acquired Camaro and revving the engine loudly. Neighbors reported hearing Foreigner's "Urgent" being blasted over the car's stereo system.

Hardy said he thought the trade was fair, but when he asked for a ride to the airport in the Camaro he was disappointed to be handed a bus ticket.

When reached for comment Melvin was found "whippin' shitties" in the Miller Park Parking Lot with Manager Ken Macha.
"We just wanted to give the fans something worth watching at the ballpark," said Melvin over the strains of Bryan Adams' "Summer of 69."

Macha said Rightfielder Corey Hart will only be allowed to use the Camaro at night, when wearing sunglasses. "I'm just so totally stoked, this is gonna be a great summer, hold on I love this part," said Macha as he proceded to stand on the roof of the car and shout "those were the best days of my life."

Baseball people love the trade, ESPN's Buster Olney says the Camaro "has all the tools to be a successful Major Leaguer." While Sports Illustrated's Jon Heyman lauded the move as "the boldest of the year," saying "If this doesn't make the Brewers a better baseball team I don't know what will."

When asked for a comment ESPN senior writer Peter Gammons asked what the Brewers were and went back to writing his new book titled "Real Housewives of the Yankees and Red Sox."

In an unrelated move, Third Baseman Bill Hall was dealt for a moped with one tire and no handlebars. Also, the Brewers front office is in talks to trade Outfielder Jody Gerut for replacement parts for the moped, but he acknowledges that "We probably won't be able to get both the tire and the handlebars for Jody, we may have to settle for just one. But how sweet would a moped be?"


Sara Giddee said...

i am dying laughing...especially the bill hall part. redic.

@diddy05 said...

Who was this trade with? I hope a team from the south. It'd be nice to not have to worry about it rusting from salt.

dbauhs said...

This is a thing of beauty. Well done, sir!

AverageDude said...

well done!

Tepid Epics said...

hahaha fuck.

Anonymous said...

the visual of melvin and macha "whippin shitties", priceless.